out of the closet

No. I am actually not gay. But there's something I have realized about myself that is ... difficult to admit. I have been in denial for a long time. I...
I...
I have begun to revisit the practice of Reiki. I know this may sound crazy, but I am no longer able to deny the need for energy work in my life. I turned my back on the entire non-physical dimension years ago and tried to live a "normal" life. "There are no such things as ghosts." I would state as I shoved another bagel with cream cheese down my throat. "I need to see it to believe it." I said to my friend as we chowed down on chips and dip. Late at night I would feel... nothingness. It would creep over me, through me, gnawing its way into my numbed out soul until I became so ravenous that I would wolf down bowls and bowls of gluten free cereal with soy milk. Nothing would fill the hunger.
I was starved. My life was emaciated. The magic appeared to be dead.
But the magic was just locked up in a dungeon. And when my loved ones started dropping like flies, well, I had no choice. I grabbed the old iron key that I'd been using as a paperweight, rushed to the stairs, and raced down, down, down to the cold, dank cell. With shaking hands, and trying not to think about what I was doing, I thrust the key into the lock and turned it.
Click.

this I believe... or do I?

I think that the things I think I believe are not necessarily what I do believe. Or, what my mind tells me is not the same as what my souls says.
And my soul never thought that Granny would die. She's been around too long to actually perish. She's the one who lives through the deaths of those around her: her parents, Grandad, friends...
She goes to church. She makes egg salad sandwiches. She gets up in the morning even though she's always been more of a night person. She comes to visit her children and grandchildren. She creates a stable home. She puts up with gruffness and grumbling from her husband with a murmered, "Jim!" and a gentle shaking of her head as she continues to go about the business of getting things done. And she gets these things done in order to get back to the business of conversation, which is what she loves most of all.
Oh well. I guess people do die, even in the present tense.

Perhaps she's living in the present somewhere else. What do you say, Mind?

I can't stand it.

I can't stand the fact that these three amazing woman are not here any more. I can not call any one of them on the phone. I struggle to remember what they might have said instead of just asking them what they think. They are gone. And I do not know where or if they are...

Your Turn...

Dear Reader,
In memory of my Granny, I prepared BBQ spareribs and sauce with white rice for dinner tonight. We ate at 5:30pm and I cleaned up the kitchen afterwards. I also TiVo'd The Price is Right, which Granny and Grandad used to watch every day at 5pm while Granny puttered around the kitchen getting dinner ready for 6pm.

And I would like to know, do you have any family traditions that you use to hold onto the good parts of your past? What do you do in memory of your dearly departed?

Sam

white rabbits

Here we all are, August. And aside from Granny, we are all still alive. So I thought I'd take a moment to outline what I expect from this month. As we all know, July fell asleep on the job. Let's hope August can pick up her slack and get things running a little more smoothly. First of all, enough with the dying already! Let's kick it up a notch and keep breathing until September. Secondly, it's time for our ships to come in. Now, I don't know whether there's some kind of blockade or seige happening with the shipping lines or if there's been a crack down in astral customs, but, and I think I can speak for many of us, it's time to get the ships moving again. I, personally, have been waiting for my ship to come in for 39 years. It's time. August, I have every faith that you are the month to make it happen. I realize that we have been under new management (2010, for those of you who have just joined us) and they don't seem to have their eye on the ball. But we, the days and weeks and months that keep things moving, - we are the backbone of this company, and we can determine its fate. And, let's face it, we all know we'll be under different management again next year.
So... let's think outside the box. Let's all find our true north and get our butts in gear.
Go get 'em!!!

flip flops

I stopped wearing flip flops about a month ago, maybe only a few weeks... At first things were ok. My husband seemed a little remote, but it was nothing really unusual. Then I guess I just lost the flow. I stopped drinking coffee. I started to sleep more... a lot more... and things just went downhill from there. I felt like I couldn't cope as well, with life. Then a couple of weeks ago everything derailed:

My sister in law has been quite sick in the hospital.
My other granny passed away suddenly at the age of 92.
Our family has had to make some changes like cutting off the premium cable channels, our phone line, and our penchant for eating out.

And... I had to cancel our trip to Hawaii.

All I can say is, "Damn those pale grey ballet flats!!!"

an amends...

Dear Sober Chicken,
It was wrong of me to snap at you the other day. When I called you, I should have been more clear about what I was looking for in our interaction. I really just needed to vent. And after telling you in detail what a m----- f------ c--- that Mr. --- was, I was not up for hearing about how when I'm disturbed I must look to myself first for the solution. And I'm not sure I agree with you when you say that the words "my part" don't show up anywhere in our solutions manual. At least, I'm not sure that those words aren't implied. But I digress. I'm sorry that I called you an annoying, arrogantly obsequious, 12 stepping, seed pecking snot. I apologize for hanging up on you so abruptly, without even saying good bye. I realize that you were just trying to be helpful and that you did not want to co-sign my bullsh--. Will you forgive my outburst, Sober Chicken? I would like to be able to call you again for you are truly stuffed with sage breadcrumbs of knowledge.